What A Girl Wants
by Josie Alexandria
Summary: The things Ive done for love, I'm not proud of. Especially because everyone only saw one side of what happened. Everyone thinks I'm in love with my brother, and I'm some psycho freak. Well, my brother isn't who I'm in love with...its her.
1. Intro

"I kissed him to make you jealous." Fiona thought as she ironed her hair in the mirror. "I didn't come all the way back to Degassi because I wanted to get away from all the drama at Vanderbilt, I wanted to come back because the anxiety of not seeing you was too extreme." Thoughts raced in my mind like the horses at The Kentucky Derby. My heart pounded like a hammer. The anxiety welling up in me was intense. My reputation would be totally tarnished if anyone - parents, classmates TABLOIDS, found out that I had a thing for my brothers girlfriend. Especially after I kissed Declan. Which, ugh. Disgusting. Obviously. (The things I do for the people I love.) But I was just so jealous of the relationship he had with her. Though she had, and _still_ has no clue.

Alright. Mirror check. Earrings in, barrette placed perfectly to the side of my head, dressed and accessorized to a T. Perfect 10. No one would ever suspect. Not after the situation where Riley used her as his cover-up. Right? Looking absolutely flawless was an absolute must. Not only because she was Fiona Coyne, but because Holly J was going to be there. Destination? Party at Spinner's.

The party was lame. As usual. A bunch of public school kids acting crazy because they were able to sneak out of their parents house and drink. Alas, it was a social gathering. I'd rather see everything first-hand than be the last to know- ogling over the 160 character vague tweets of Chantay's. Or worse, finding out the next day on the Anti-Grapevine.

Holly J arrived fashionably late- as usual. Whenever it was an important event, Holly J was always 15 minutes early. But when it was a social gathering, she knew it was always best to keep people waiting for you til' you make your arrival. So... Paris Hilton of her. Minus the absent panty car departure. God forbid.

Looking ah-dorably casual in black super skinny jeans. a white mini dress as a top, with layered necklaces, she shone as she entered the party. I questioned my fashion choices for the night, but decided I was being too over analytical. No need to be paranoid and lose my grace.

Holly J spotted me, and squeals and air kisses followed. It was no secret that after I came back from school in NY, that we were totes bff. Despite everything I had put her through in NYC, I did it because my brother got her. Not me. Not til' Holly J was I ever even attracted to another girl. I've seen girls make out at parties before, I just figured they were doing it for attention. When situations like that arose I rolled my eyes and made it a note to use it against them if they ever decided to cross me.

This, her... she... was different. I wasn't sexually attracted to her as much as I was attracted to her personality. I've never felt this way before, but I wanted to nurture her. Make sure she was always taken care of. I wanted to make sure she never hurt inside. Though I know all of this was impossible because even IF Holly J had similar feelings, she's too much of an alpha to let me take care of her. That was made clear when my brother tried it. However, I like to think I have a little more grasp on the female psyche than Declan because, well, I'm a girl.

"When did you get here?" Holly J asked. "Not too long before you did. Have you spoken to Declan at all...?" I said warily. Trying to test the waters and see how the breakup was going. "Ughhh. He still texts me now and again. I heard he made class president. Following in my footsteps I guess." Holly laughed.

"Yeah, my family's super proud of him for becoming a man of power so early. They think it will really prep him to carry on the family name." I explained. "Well good for him" holly said politely with an ah-dorable smile.

The party raged on, stupid boys doing keg-stands, girls all the place acting tasteless and trying to get with the boys they liked. Not that I was a saint. Beer isn't and will never be my beverage of choice, but tonight it would suffice. It calmed the anxiety of the situation and made everyone else a little easier to deal with.

"WHO WANTS TO PLAY TRUTH OR DARE?" Spinner shouted from a tabletop as Emma tried to help him down. Spinner wasn't wasted, but Emma just wanted to make sure he got down okay. Soon enough everyone gathered in spinners living room in his kind of cute man cave-ish loft.

Peter started. "Alright. Ah... Spin. Truth or dare?" Emma looked at Spinner and smiled daringly. As if to say "if you do something- embarrassing-Ill-never-forgive-you or if-I-find-out-something-I-dont-like-Im-never-going-to-let-you-hear-the-end-of-it" so basically spinner was screwed either way. "Dare." Spin smiled. "Alright, uhhh I dare you to... go upstairs and put on one of Emma's bras and underwear." Everyone burst out laughing. Including Emma. "You're not really?" Emma said flabbergasted. "I have to babe! Spinner said while getting up. This was what put NYC parties on a whole other level than nyc parties. Things could be done here without fear it ending up on the cover of every tabliod rag there is the next morning. "Alright- while Spinners upstairs uhhh I pick Bruce to ask."

I started laughing. Bruce was absolutely disgusting, and a total pervert. I was just hoping he didn't pick me. God knows I'd probably be dared to make out with him or something. "Alright I uh pick... FE OWN AH" I rolled my eyes. How did I know? Thank god the alcohol I had had kicked in minutes prior and I was able to not pour a drink on him for just so much as saying my name. In this situation, I felt as if I answered truth, I'd look like a cop-out. That, and there's a lot of things I'd rather not tell people, let alone care to bring up again.. (Twincest? Ugh.) "Dare." "Ouuuuuu" everyone cooed. What have I done?

"So miss priss finally decides to take some risks huh? I dare you to... play 7 minutes in heaven with..." Oh God, oh God, oh God. Please don't say him. Please don't. Ughh I feel sick... "**Holly J." **WHAT? Bruce is a pervert, we all know this, but why wouldn't he pick himself? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he didn't, thank god... But _Holly J_? When did Bruce become my personal Santa Claus? A stir of "NO WAY!'s" got shouted in disbelief.

I looked at Holly J, who smirked and got up from her pillow. And stuck out her hand. "Fiona" she said, as if I should take her hand and lead her to the closet. My heart was racing beyond belief. I couldn't believe this opportunity has arisen, let alone have her be compliant with it.. I stood up and lightly took Holly J's small hand. Just as we stood up, Spinner barreled down the stairs, follwed my Emma, in a green bra and thong. Of course Spin had to make it wildly uncomfortable as well, dancing on everyone and everything. Holly J led me upstairs to the hall closet, visible to the living room. She pushed the clothes aside as we stepped in, and she closed the door.

Everyone outside was in shock, catcalling like they were about to see us both naked dancing on a pole.

"Soo..." I said. Staring at my Manolo's. "We don't have to really...ya know.. _Kiss_. We could just make it look like we did." Holly J said. "Uh.. Yeah.." I said, sliding my hair behind my ear. The closet smelled like mildew with a slight tinge of Febreeze. This was Casa de Spinner after all. The Febreeze smell was probably Emma trying to spruce things up.

"Is something wrong?" holly j said, sounding concerned. "Um, no, I just think I maybe drank too much. Beer doesn't sit right with me." I lied. I never wanted to lie to her, but nor did I feel like getting thrown out of the closet either. (Figuratively and literally.) Being so close to Holly J was too tantalizing. We were chest to chest in this cramped closet and I could smell her Juicy Couture perfume. I tried every which way I could not to think about the fact that we were in the dark practically standing close enough to kiss. I kept glancing at my iPhone to see when the 8th minute was about to arrive so we could stage our move. "We should get ready" she said. It was about 45 seconds til they opened the door. My heart was beating so hard that I'm surprised Holly J didn't feel it beating on to her chest. "I don't know how to..what to.. " I sounded like an idiot. Blame it on the alcohol. Holly J got close to me. I could smell her peach lip-gloss. Hell, I could practically taste it. She put her arms around my neck and put her forehead on mine. I've never had to hold back temptation so much before. Her touch was so soft and fragile. Her skin so smooth, and by god did she smell phenomenal. Just as I finished my thought, Bruce swung open the door. What happened in real life was probably a second. To me it felt like much more. I pressed my lips against hers gently. What blew my mind, (other than her soft lips) Was she didn't freak out! Was she really that drunk? She came closer and parted her lips. Giving me an actual open mouth kiss. My mind was blown. Even more-so than Bruce's' if you could believe it.

Bruce was visibly blown away and my dare-our dare was definitely the best dare of the night. Somehow if I had somehow failed, Holly J always knew how to steal the show. We exited the closet, and continued on to partake in the lame game of truth or dare.

I went home and laid in bed. How I am I ever going to get to sleep thinking about what's happened tonight. As thoughts raced through my head, my phone lit up with a picture of the beautiful Holly J.


	2. Texts From Last Night

" The party was so funny! Xoxo J"

Funny? My heart half sank. Part of me was upset that she said "funny". Part of me was still overjoyed that it had even happened. What if this really all was a joke to her? Or what if she really wanted to kiss me? I bit my lip trying to think of the words to say, but none came into my head. All I could think was 'tell her the truth, tell her the truth.' But I couldn't jeopardize any friendship we had by being selfish and scaring her away.

"I had lots of fun too :) - Fi" was all I could manage to type. Thoughts raced in my head for hours before I was able to fall asleep.

I had slept on and off all night. I had dreams I could vividly remember- of course with Holly J. Just dreams that we would be talking, spending time together, laughing, all while she knew my secret. There was no guilt in my dreams, no secrets kept.

When I had awoke I checked my phone.

"10 NEW MESSAGES"

Ten? Jesus. Probably from my mom trying to wake me up, or people talking about the party last night. I scrolled through the messages. Peter, Chantay, Spinner, Sav, Riley, Riley, Mom, Declan, Declan... Holly J. Holly J? I immediately went to her message and opened it.

"Park today? Noon-ish? Need 2 talk - J"

"The park by Degrassi. Just you?-J"

My heart started racing. Need to talk? My first thought was "This could be horrible." Then I thought maybe it could be good. Why did she just want me there and no one else? After the fall in Vanderbilt, I couldn't take anymore heartbreak.

Peter, Spin and Sav texted to ask if I either had remembered last night, or if I had liked it. Chantay had asked me if I saw her tweets and blog. Gossipy bitch. Next was mom and Declan. Ugh.

" 1/2 What the hell were you thinking Fi? Hooking up with my ex? You seriously need help. -Declan"

"2/2 By the way, mom heard. She's considering sending you back to the Hamptons. Have fun with that. Hands off Holly J - Declan"

Shit! My MOM found out? What? Does she subscribe to Chantays tweets too? Or did holly j tell declan and declan told her? THE HAMPTONS? UGHHH!

"Fiona, you need to call me a.s.a.p Looking into Vermont again.- Laura Coyne"

I did NOT want to go back to school in Vermont. Not with Bobby still being there. I'd be laughed out of school the moment I showed my face. Oh. 2 more. Riley.

"Heard about last night-is it true? lol -QB1"

"Fiona? Are you mad at me or something? Sorry, I was just curious..-QB1"

My drama with Riley had long been over. The only reason I had broke up with him was because I knew he was gay. At the time I didn't have feelings for Holly J, but I now knew what Riley was going through.

I decided to blow off all the texts, of course

All except HollyJ's.

"What time?" -Fi"

I stared at my screen in anticipation.

"Umm ASAP. -J"

Every text broke my heart, but at the same time gave me hope.

I threw on a dress, mildly accessorized with a hat and finger combed my hair and booked it out the door to go to Kinsley Park.

I saw Holly J right on a bench looking at her iphone. Dressed in cute destroyed denim jeans and a peacoat. The fall air was crisp and blew the freshly fallen leaves on the ground in little circles. I walked towards her.

"Hey." I smiled. How could I not? Shes the spitting image of beautiful!

'Hey.." She spoke warily.

"Whats wrong? Why did you want to meet me here? Was it about last night? Im sorry.." I lied. I wasnt sorry. It was possibly the best night of my life! Plus, what did I do wrong? She was the one who kissed me, after all.

"The kiss Fiona.." My heart sank. Tingles went down my back, and it wasnt from the cool breeze.

"I felt like something was... just...there." Holly spoke softly.

"What do you mean?" I said slowly, trying to not show my fear.

"I think..I liked it."


	3. Scarlet Begonias

I stared at her blankly. At this anxiety filled moment the butterflies in my stomach were swirling around in my heart faster than the little tornadoes of leaves on the ground at the park.

"...You liked it!?" I managed to choke out. I don't know why, but it seemed like someone had punched me in the stomach. Was this some kind of cruel joke?

"I should really go, Im sorry Fi." she said frantically ans she collected her Bebe gloves from her lap and hitched her Michael Korrs bag onto her shoulder.

"No no!" I exclaimed as I grabbed her arm as she got up.

"Its embarrassing Fi." She almost whined. I could see that she was extremely uncomfortable. A woman of such grace and poise, Holly J, someone capable of speaking in front of large crowds, dictating everyone beneath her's every move... scared. Uncomfortable. Frightened. This is a side of Holly J Ive never seen. This is a side of Holly J I never wanted to see. "Not to mention that this is the absolute WRONG time in your life for me to dump this all on you." She continued as she looked at the ground frantically shaking her head and flailing her hands. I offered a kind hand on her lap. She was scared. I was scared too.

"Its not fair to you Fiona." She said, finally looking me in the eyes, as she grabbed my hand. She was shaking. "You dont need any more added stress. Im so stupid."

"No-Holly J... I liked it too." Holly looked as if someone had just told her that she wasn't voted Class President.

"You mean... you liked the kiss?" She said disbelievingly. "You like me?" She was beyond shocked.

Two Alphas sitting in the park, both scared, both confused. Totally uncharacteristic of the both of us. A moment of silence had passed to let what we both confessed sink in. I really said that. She really said that. My iPhone went off in my pocket, which destroyed the moment and snapped me back into reality. I pulled my phone out of my yet-to-be-released Birkin bag. As if my anxiety couldn't get any worse, my Mother was calling. I silenced it and put it on my lap.

"It was my mom." I said quietly. Holly J was in her own world. She sat in silence, in complete shock.

_Goddammit Fiona! Say something! You always are in control of a situation, and NOW you're at a loss for words?_

Ya know, its weird. I mean, with you, and Declan, and all the rumors and tabloid drama... none of that changes the fact that I think you're très adorable, and my heart sank when you called me here because I thought you were going to give me bad news..."

Disbelievingly she stared at me. "Fiona- Are you serious?" She calmed down, and swallowed hard. Preparing herself for my response. Bracing herself for the news that could shatter her heart, or make it bloom.

"Yes."I said quietly with smile. i cant believe i honestly admitted to the most beautiful girl at Degrassi that I, Fiona Coyne, was in love with her.

"Well, what are we going to? Like, your mother is going to freak the hell out, and (she pauses)... Declan.." Holly J started shaking her head looking at her shoes. It was as if they broke up all over again. The wound was still fresh. But I was there. It was my responsibility to heal her. I wanted to make her feel more than 100% better. I wanted the world for this woman.

I lightly squeezed her hand. "We'll just keep it on the DL for now, okay?" I smiled. Half confident, half scared out of my wits.

"Oh shit, I have to get going to The Dot. Yale isn't going to pay for itself!" She released my hand and got up.

"Goodbye Fiona. Text me, k?" She smiled flirtatiously, and blew a kiss. She turned around and as I watched her exit our moment, she was a vision of beauty. The leaves danced around her and bowed at her feet. the sun shone only on her. The world stopped when Holly J smiles. We were in a bubble. At that moment I had realized that other than my mother calling me, I had no knowledge of anything else happening in that moment. It was only her. Her and I. As soon as she was far enough away, I laid back on the bench, let my hair fall behind its back rest, looked to the sky and exclaimed "YESS!" In sheer giddy excitement. Nothing could bring me down from this moment. Nothing.

For fear of looking like a total freak sitting alone on a park bench, I decided to head home. I sat up to look at my phone.

"BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN LIFE, AND DECIDED TO IGNORE MY CALLS,YOU START BACK AT VANDERBILT NEXT MONDAY." - Mom

What. The. Fuck.


End file.
